There were eight guys in my circle but, with Ms. Twiggy gone, Sparkles had a lot more free time and he was giving me more and more attention. I needed the full circle less and less. So, I let them start to drift off. Some, I just stopped calling and others I answered less frequently. Barbie had his girlfriend (and they’re still together); I’m happy for them. I saw her walking on the side of the road once and took her home; she’s a sweet girl. Ex Boyfriend had his crazy baby momma drama going on and a new baby. I was privileged enough to be one of the first people in the world to hold that precious little girl (and her momma is STILL pissed about it. Bitch.). Of course, me living under the same roof as Sparkles really made it unnecessary to have any of them. I mean, I had a ton of attention and I didn’t really need a place to stay that often. He was hot, new and dreamy so, I’d rather be near him. I knew I could change his mind about not wanting a real relationship and I knew I was going to marry him. I just had to wait for him to catch up.
The Sailor, on the other hand, was a little different from the others in the circle. He started trying to get possessive with me and I wasn’t having it. I told him I was done with the whole thing and he got down on one knee… I starting screaming, “Nooooo!!!!!!” and ran out the door. He thought that was funny and tried a few more times. He was pretty upset when he realized I really meant no more. I quickly found out he was the type to say ugly things when he was angry and started showing his crazy side. He was hurt and I was scared. He STILL calls and I STILL don’t answer. It wouldn’t do any good. I tried to give him closure but he only hears what he wants to hear.
I’d also tried to break up with First Guy, but I didn’t get the chance. I showed up where he was squatting with Asshole Friend. He answered the door by flinging it open, grabbing me by the arm and leading me, past Asshole, into the bedroom. I don’t even know if he shut the front door behind us. He grabbed me up and kissed me deep and hard, ripped off our clothes, spun me around, and proceeded to fuck my brains out. Completely out of breath, I begged, “Hurry up already; I’m tired of coming!” My mind was blank. With a stupid grin on my face, I gathered my things and left.
Days later, I was working in The Salesman’s home office and I was having technical problems. I yelled upstairs, “I need an I.T.” Sparkles laughed and came to my rescue. He fixed the problem and then kinda lingered. He looked a little nervous and got all fidgety. I asked him what was wrong. He asked me to be patient and told me he was anxious. He’d mentioned he had anxiety before, so I took it as an opportunity to observe his behavior. He finally said he wanted us to be exclusive. I said, “Are you asking me to be your GIRLFRIEND?!?” I was super excited but trying to ground myself… Still, I couldn’t help being cutesy. He kinda cringed at the word and mumbled some nonsense about how he didn’t like that label. I was disappointed and tried to rationalize with him. “So, you want all the benefits of a boyfriend and girlfriend, you don’t want us to see other people, you want to move forward, but you don’t want to BE boyfriend and girlfriend? I don’t see the point in that.” I could see him fidgeting as he mulled it over. His jaw was set but he, a little reluctantly, agreed. I grinned. Well, let me go break up with all my boyfriends, first. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. I laughed. He didn’t know whether or not I was serious and I wouldn’t give him a straight answer. I left.
I drove to see First Guy with mixed emotions. I was squealing and grinning from ear to ear because I had WON! On the other hand, I was very much not looking forward to hurting First Guy. I love him and care about him; just not in the way he deserved. I wanted him to get his shit together. Don’t get me wrong; I understand I didn’t have my shit together, but I was moving forward and he was idle. I was dreading the conversation. I arrived, took a deep breath and knocked. First Guy came to the door and I very seriously said we needed to talk. His face fell. We walked past Asshole Friend on the couch to the bedroom and shut the door. We sat on the edge of the bed and I took another breath and forced myself to make eye contact. It was a tough to speak and even tougher to see the expression on his face. I was watching his heart break and I was the one that did it. I didn’t tell him I was in love with someone else. I didn’t tell him that I would never feel as deeply for him as he did for me. I didn’t think it was helpful or fair for me to say those things. I didn’t want to hurt him. I felt that truth would only make me feel better. I wanted to help him as much as possible. I wanted him to get his life together. I told him I was standing in the way and needed to give him the space to do so. I told him I couldn’t wait any longer. I reassured him he still had a job with me, if he wanted and I would continue to help him any way I could.
I made a mistake, though. I gave him hope. I told him if he got his shit together maybe we could revisit the idea of a relationship. I had zero intention of dating him again. I just thought it’d help him be more responsible and reach a better place in his life. It didn’t. All these years later and he still hasn’t even gotten his driver’s license back. I even saved his money for him for a while and then sold him my car when I got a newer one. It was towed and he never got it back. I still very deeply care about him and still have hope that he’ll get on track. He seems to be very slowly getting there. Excruciatingly slow.
So, I finished my speech with First Guy, stood, gave him a hug, and walked away. I drove back home as fast as I could. I quickly found Sparkles and said, “Ok. I’m all yours.” He looked a little puzzled but his expression quickly changed into a look of delight. He scooped me up in his arms, spun me around and gave me a big kiss. He carried me, over his shoulder, up the stairs and tossed me onto the bed. We sealed the deal.
Sometimes, he would be out of the house making door to door sales calls but, he’d come and pick me up to take me to lunch. Once, I opened the car door and he grinned and said, “Hello, my beautiful wife.” It was a slip and we both froze. I laughed and said, “You REALLY don’t want to call me ‘girlfriend’ THAT bad?” He said, “I guess I’m just in the habit of being married.” I asked him, “Being married or GETTING married?” We laughed and drove to the pond to have lunch and make out.
A week or so later, I went to see Ball Dunker’s new house and he lead me by the hand through every room. When the tour was over, I sat at his bar while he stood behind it. We were casually chatting when he stops, looks me up and down and said something that made it clear this wasn’t just a house tour, it was a booty call. “I have a boyfriend.” He gives me this look of disgust, “Boyfriend?” “Yep. It’s been a year since I broke off the engagement.” He had told me once that you have to repeat every day for an entire year when you break up with someone before you’re ready to really move on to another relationship. It was true; it’d been a year… Barely. He looked at me again and got this mischievous grin on his face and said, “So… If I told you I was going to come around this bar, rip of your clothes, bend you over that couch, and fuck your brains out…. You’d stop me?” Nervously, I managed to mutter, “Yes.” He changed his look and shrugged an “Oh, well. You can’t blame a guy for trying.” at me and walked away. I stopped holding my breath and I left. He’s since moved on and remarried. We still shoot each other a text, now and then. I hope he’s happy, now.
When I got back to the house, I actually felt a little guilty, even though I’d done nothing wrong. I also felt this would be an opportunity to prove to him I would be faithful. I decided to tell Sparkles what had happened. He was upset and wanted me to block him from my phone and delete his number. I found that a bit extreme and told him so. I suggested I just didn’t go over there and if I had any further problems, I would tell Sparkles about it and take the next step in not speaking to him. I told him blocking wasn’t necessary. He was silent for a minute and then agreed.
He had me.