It didn’t take too long before all but The Hulk and Ass Hat tapered off.  The two of them were VERY persistent and began competing against each other to date me.  I loved the attention, exhausting as it was.  I wasn’t looking to get serious with either of them, just enjoying myself.

They would leave notes on my car while I was at work or school and would even come in (sometimes together) and sit in my section.

One day, I decided to remodel my place a bit and ran into a small bump.

I called The Hulk and asked if he could come unscrew something for me.  He drove straight over.  He came to the door, tool box in tow.  I pointed at the box and said, “What’s that?”  He said, “Uhh… My tools?”  I laughed and told him that the only tool I needed was muscle.  The screw had stripped and I wasn’t able to bare down hard enough to get it out.  He came in and saw my Craftsman toolbox sitting open.  He raised his eyebrows, “A chick with tools? That’s so hot.”  I giggled.  I had asked for them for Christmas.  I think he may have spent more time taking pictures of me working than he did helping, but I was glad to have the help; and attention.  He stayed the night but nothing happened.  He just laid beside me and watched me sleep.  He confessed when he woke up and I found it romantic in a kind of creepy way.  He made me feel beautiful and irresistible.  He wasn’t a closer, though.  I gave him plenty of opportunities, too.  I would find ways to “accidentally” kiss him or “fall” into his arms.  Later, I would say I didn’t remember or “I was sleeping.”  It bothered me that he would kiss and tell.

Ass Hat kept popping over and he was a lot pushier than The Hulk.  He would try to pressure me into more until he finally wore me down one day.  He had me playfully pinned against a wall of cabinets in my place and telling me we should have sex.  I was kind of tired of his relentlessness.  I thought to myself, “If I just have sex with him, maybe he’ll stop pressuring me.”  In a moment of desperation, I ripped off my shirt and said, “Fine.  Ok.  Let’s go.”  His eyes widened.  “Really?”  Frustrated, I replied, “Are you trying to talk me OUT of it now?”  He regained his composure and had me on the bed within seconds.  He went down on me for FOUR hours.  I never came.  Actually, I fell asleep a couple of times.  He had sex with me for hours, nonstop.  It was uncomfortable and I was left sore, raw and blistered.  Down there.  And he never let up.  He didn’t go away.  He wanted more.  He ALWAYS wanted more.

To tell you more, we have to go down another rabbit hole.

Crocodile

I had a huge secret crush on this guy in high school.  He was weird and hilarious.  Another girl, Safety Pin, confessed to me that she had a crush on him so I said nothing and decided, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”  Safety Pin was weird, too.  We were both kind of social outcasts because we just weren’t really into the same things as the other girls.  We didn’t discuss makeup, hair or any of that girlie shit.  We were both story tellers, writers, artists, and we’d been through some heavy life experiences that had left us in a dark place.  We told each other we hated all the kids at school, including each other, and that was why we got along.  It took us a long time to admit we were best friends.  There’s much more to Safety Pin’s and my story, but a lot of it is HER story to tell and the rest is for another rabbit hole on another day.

So, she and Crocodile dated and he set me up with his best friend, Elmo.  There’s a lot more to that story, too, but we can save that for another time.  It’s just important to know that Crocodile and Elmo are best friends and that Elmo and I dated.  Elmo is the guy that I broke up with after I graduated and then met up with The Hulk, Ass Hat and the rest of their group of friends (that I talked about in my last post).  When Elmo and I broke up he said, “The one thing I ask is that you not sleep with Crocodile.”  This infuriated me.

Crocodile and Safety Pin broke up and he graduated a year before me so I hadn’t seen him since.  Then, I walk through the doors of my local Wal-Mart and there he was.  Still hot.  We caught each other’s eyes at the same time and were both really happy to see each other.  We made plans to hang out and we did.  Back at my place, I realized he was attracted to me and I was thrilled when he acted on it.  He was talking about how kissing pressure points could get you really excited, then showed me on my wrist.  Then he showed me on the inside of my elbow.  Then, my neck.  We went at it like bunnies for weeks.  After us having sex nine times in one day, he told me that I was the only girl that had ever been able to keep up with him.  I was also the only girl that he could never get to orgasm.  I told him, “You can have a great dinner without dessert.”  He said, “If I can’t get you off, I’m going to quit trying.”  So, I faked it.

He had a pencil dick with nine piercings.  I only tell you this because once, when we were having sex, he was at a weird angle, causing a lot of air to get trapped inside me.  After we finished, he jokingly laid his head between my legs and began talking to my vagina.  He said, to my vagina, “Did you like that?”  I laughed… and so did she… in the form of a queef.  I hate that word, but it is what it is.  He got this shocked look on his face and kinda jumped back and stared at her.  I was mortified but we both busted out laughing.  It didn’t help my situation and every time I laughed, more air escaped.  More laughter ensued.  It was a vicious cycle.  I was SO embarrassed and there was NOTHING I could do about it.  He reassured me, but was still laughing.  Ugh.

We both discussed not telling Elmo what was going on between us because it would only hurt him.  We agreed it would be better for him not to know and this was only a fling.  We didn’t love each other, we just loved having sex.  Then, the day came where I got a phone call from Elmo.  He was pissed off, hurt and felt betrayed.  Crocodile had told him.  I was livid for two reasons. 1. Don’t tell me who I can and can’t fuck. 2. Crocodile should have NEVER said anything.

I got off the phone and immediately went to Crocodile’s place.  I let him have it and he tried to argue that I never gave him head.  How was that even relevant?!  I ended the fling.

Ass Hat

After that, Ass Hat and I ended up having sex on a regular basis.  Not that I wanted to, I just didn’t want the conflict.  I didn’t want him to feel rejected.  Ridiculous, I know.  He was DETERMINED to give me an orgasm.  He would go down on me for four hours at a time and on the fourth day, it finally happened.  I was completely raw and bruised from all the oral stimulation and sex.  I still let him fuck me.  His member was short, but REALLY big around.  As Ron White says, “It’s like a cheese wheel.”  When he was on top of me, he would jut his chin out like a dog humping a leg.  I was bored as hell after hours of this and started telling jokes in bed.  Once, when he was going at it, I waited for him to look me in the face and I gave him my best goat impression. “Baaah!”  He paused for a half a second and then continued.  He said “Oh, baby!  You feel just like a goat.  Lemme tie you to my tractor.”  I had tears in my ears from laughing so damn hard.

No one knew that he and I had been having sex and I intended to keep it that way.  I was suppose to go on a date with The Hulk, but Ass Hat refused to leave.  He kept pushing me to break the date and insist that we stay and have more sex.  I finally gave in and called The Hulk.  I told him that I wasn’t feeling well and needed a rain check.  Later, I found out that he drove by my place with chicken noodle soup, saw Ass Hat’s car in my driveway and left.  He stopped chasing me after that.

Boots

I was staying in a travel trailer and had some plumbing issues because I didn’t know tampons couldn’t go into the tank.  I know better now!  I went down to the local RV repair shop and this really sexy guy, Boots, offered to come by when he clocked out and help me with it.  So, Boots, my stepdad and my granddad all cleaned out the tank.  How embarrassing!  Boots acted like it wasn’t a big deal and I’m sure he’d done that kind of thing before.  Later, he and I hung out alone at my place.  I found out he liked me when he kissed me.  We made out on my couch for a while and he kept trying to take it further.  He was kneeling on the floor next to the couch and I was laying down.  He started kissing down my neck and he was trying to pull my shirt off when he started kissing my stomach.  I was trying to keep my shirt on.  I didn’t want it like this.  We hadn’t even been out on a date and I hardly knew him.

I heard my phone ringing and I reached to silence it.  It rang again and that’s when I saw it:  Standing outside my door, through the blinds, I saw Ass Hat, watching.  I excused myself from Boots and went outside.  I followed him to his car.  He was hurt.  I told him it wasn’t my intention to hurt him and I had made it clear that I didn’t want a boyfriend and I didn’t want his company that day.  I was angry at him for not respecting that.  He left.  I went back inside and Boots said he didn’t want in the middle of the drama.  There was nothing I could say to convince him Ass Hat was not my boyfriend.  He left, too.

I called Ass Hat to try to smooth things over.  He came back to my place. It kind of became understood within the circle of friends that Ass Hat had taken claim on me at this point.

• Uncategorized