Bathtime

So my entire bathroom was covered in painters drop cloths, aka: cut up garbage bags and masking tape.  I was out of propane and had been cold “showering” in the kitchen sink, one body part at a time.  I desperately wanted a long, hot shower.  Ass Hat called his friend, Snake, and he arranged for me to take a shower at another friends place, Remington.  Remington had an efficiency apartment and was dating Jenga.  Snake had keys to their place and didn’t think Remington was home, so I gathered my “shower caddy” and rode over to Remington’s place with Snake.  When we arrived, he saw Remington’s car in the parking lot.  He said, “Just go with it.”  I didn’t really know what was going on, but I prepared anyway.  He had me wait by the car while he ran inside.

About five minutes later, he came running back out.  He quickly gave me the cliff notes version: Snake told Remington that he and Jenga had to leave the apartment because he was bringing a girl over.  He was reluctant at first but Snake pulled The Bro Code Card on him.  So, I knew my role.

Remington and Jenga came out of the apartment and Snake and I were all over each other.  Remingtons eyes widened.  He knew who I was and that Ass Hat had marked his territory.  He said, “Hey, I don’t want any trouble.”  Snake said, “Ass Hat doesn’t have to know.”  We were rubbing all over each other and did a “stage kiss” (where you put a thumb over the other persons mouth and kiss the thumb instead of the mouth).  I grabbed his butt with one hand and held my grocery bag of shower stuff in the other.  Remington kept insisting he didn’t want caught up in the middle of this but, finally, he slowly left.  Snake whispered, “Go!” and we ran, hand in hand, into the apartment, giggling.

Once inside, we were holding our knees, laughing.  We made a plan: I was taking my shower and he was calling Ass Hat to fill him in on what was going on.  Best. Shower. Ever.  As I was finishing getting dressed, Remington knocked on the door.  Before Snake opened it, he said, “Let’s keep it going.  Ass Hat is going to call later.”

Remington and Jenga came in, both wide eyed.  We settled in to watch Lord of the Rings.  Snake and I “cuddled” and giggled on the couch and Remington and Jenga made a pallet on the floor. A little ways into the movie, my phone rang.  It was Ass Hat.  Snake frowned and I “nervously” answered the phone.  “Oh, hey baby!  I miss you SO much…. Yeah, I’m hanging out at Remingtons, watching a movie… Sure, you can drop by!  When do you get off work? Ok….I love you, too!”

I “whispered an apology” to Snake and Remington got that doe-in-the-headlights look, again.  “I REALLY don’t want there to be any trouble.”  We assured him there wouldn’t be.  About halfway into the movie, there was a knock at the door.  Snake and I jumped away from each other to sit on opposite ends of the couch.  Snake said, “Remington!  Get the door!  It’s Ass Hat!”  Remington had sat up and said, “Dude.  YOU get the door!”  I rolled my eyes and said, “I’LL get the door.  Geez!”  I flung the door open and threw my arms around Ass Hat as I let the door shut behind me.  Outside, I told him “the plan.”  After a fit of quiet laughter, we gained our composure and went inside.

Snake sat on the same end of the couch, “pouting.”  Ass Hat and I snuggled on the other end of the couch.  Remington kept glancing back and forth between the three of us before he finally settled down to watch the movie.  I kept giggling with Ass Hat and, every so often, Snake would let out a huff.  Just as the credits started to roll, Snake throws his glasses down on the coffee table and says, “Ass Hat, can you turn on the light?  We need to talk.”  Ass Hat said, “YOU turn on the light, dude.”  This went back and forth until Snake finally turned on the light.  I got “uneasy” and made sure Remington could see that on my face.  He was big-eyed again and started rapidly tapping Jenga to wake up.

Snake:  I need to tell you something, dude.

Ass Hat: I’m not your dude.

Snake: Seriously, I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a while, now.

Ass Hat: Stop being a girl about it. Out with it, already.

Me: Snake……. Don’t

Ass Hat: *quickly glances at me*  What the fuck is going on?

Snake: Well….

Me: No.  Please.  Don’t.  Snake?  Please?

Snake: *looks at me*  I just can’t keep this a secret anymore…

Ass Hat: Ok.  What’s going on?

Snake: Kara and I have been seeing each other.

Ass Hat: Oh, HA HA!  Good one.

Snake: No.  Seriously.  We’ve been having sex.

This went on for a few minutes before Snake finally had Ass Hat “convinced.”  Ass Hat was smoking a cigarette.  It was a lot of “How could you do this?” and “I thought you were my friend?”

Ass Hat: Hey, Snake?  Do you like magic?

Snake: Whaaa?

Ass Hat:  Here.  Lemme show you a magic trick: POOF!  You’re an ashtray!

He ashed his cigarette on Snake and Snake jumped back then pushed Ass Hat.  Remington spoke up, then.

Remington: Hey!  No fighting!  I have a sawed off shotgun (hence the nickname) behind the couch and I’m not afraid to use it!  If you’re gonna fight, take it outside.

Ass Hat and Snake looked at each other for a second.  They both walked outside and slammed the door behind them.

Remington turned to me, still wide-eyed.

Me: Oh my god I’m SO sorry!  I didn’t want this to happen.  Ass Hat was never suppose to know!  I don’t know what to do.

I put my head in my hands to hide the shit-eating grin on my face.

Remington: They can’t fight in here.  Seriously.  I have a gun.

Yeah, that was mildly terrifying but it was a pretty safe bet that it wouldn’t come to that.  All in the name of comedy, am I right?

I heard the sound of “someone being flung against the door.”

Me: Maybe I should go check on them…

I slowly began to open the door to warn them.  They had each other in “headlocks” so, I flung the door open the rest of the way and shut it behind me.  The three of us doubled over with laughter.  I gave them an update on what was going on and they planned the next scene.  We finally managed to compose ourselves and get back into character.  We went back inside.  Jenga was sitting up, staring blankly.

Ass Hat:  Let me tell you something, dude.

Snake:  No, let me tell YOU something, DUDE.

Me: Actually, I need to tell BOTH of you something.

Ass Hat (to me): Shut the fuck up.

I knew he was just being in character, but I still was a little shocked.  He’d never said a harsh word to me.  In fact, he always made me feel beautiful, desired, wanted, irresistible…

Me: I’m pregnant.

The room was like a freeze frame.

After about five seconds, Remington finally glanced back to see the guys’ reactions.  The chaos was back in full swing.

Ass Hat (pointing at Snake): Haha! Karma, Bitch!

Snake: That’s okay.  I’ll get it taken care of.

Me:  What?!

Snake: I’ll pay for the abortion, don’t worry.

Me: Are you kidding me?!  I’m HAVING this baby…

I began “wailing uncontrollably,” but in reality, my head was in my hands and I was shaking and sobbing with laughter.  The guys went back outside to “fight” some more.  I looked up at Remington.

Me: I’m SO sorry you have to see all this.  I just…. I…. I don’t know what to do… I have to think about the baby and…. I have to go out there and try to stop all of this.

I went back outside.  They were out of breath from laughter and I joined them.  We decided to finally end it.  We walked in a line back into the apartment and faced Jenga and Remington.  We joined hands and took a bow.  Jenga had a blank look on her face.  She was confused.  Remingtons jaw dropped and he froze for a few seconds before he started a slow clap and worked his way into a grin.

Remington:  Fuck you guys.  (clap. clap. clap)  Fuck you all. (clap clap clap)

Weeks later, Ass Hat told me Jenga asked how the baby was.  He said, “What baby?” Jenga said, “Karas!”  He looked at her for a minute before it finally dawned on him what she was talking about.  He busted out laughing and explained to her it was all a joke.

A few weeks after that, Ass Hat and I find out Jenga and Remington are pregnant.  Weeks later, they confessed it was a joke.

Turnabout is fair play.

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