Sex Ed

I was on a mission: I wanted to be an irresistible sexual goddess. I was young, very thin and beautiful. I had been gifted with a lot of hair, perky boobs and a nice ass. I decided I wanted to learn everything there was to learn about sex. I needed a bag of tricks so I set off to the book store with Ass Hat and bought a book on tantric sex. He said very little as I thumbed through the pages on the way home and twisted and turned the book as I studied the illustrations. He just turned up one corner of his mouth and followed me inside. Then, he pounced. He flipped me and turned me and twisted me every way but the wrong way. He fucked me frontwards, backwards, right side up, and upside down. Hours later, I just laid there and panted, head spinning. Then, I reached over and smacked him on the arm. “Why the hell did you let me buy that book!?”

Toil and Trouble

I was a theatre major on scholarship and I was cast as a witch in Macbeth.  Ass Hat was ALWAYS at my house, when he wasn’t working.  He was trying to have sex with me and I kept insisting I needed to study my lines.  He said, “You can recite your lines while you’re riding me.”  I eventually realized this was going to happen or I’d never get to study.  I was secretly angry that I didn’t have my own space to get things done on my own terms, but I decided I could be mad or I could have fun with it. So, I grabbed a black cape out of my closet, climbed on and began gyrating my hips as I recited, in my sexiest witch voice, “Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble…”

Creepy Neighbor

I woke up to the sound of the garbage truck coming up the drive.  I very quickly put together the fact that I didn’t have the trash cans out so I hit the ground running.  I threw on an ugly sea-foam green mu-mu looking gown that I’d gotten from Elmo’s grandma last Christmas as I was running to grab my kitchen trash and hauled it out the door.  I got the can to the road just in time and Creepy Neighbor saw me.  He had a big goofy grin on his face as he waved and gave me a thumbs up.  I returned the gestures as I went back inside.

I had been assigned a project where I had to design a model stage, including a set design.  I had been pushed by Ass Hat to procrastinate and ended up pulling an all-nighter while he slept.  Around 4am, I got an unexpected knock on the door.  It was my neighbor, who I’d never spoken to.  “Can I help you?”  He asked what I was doing awake, made a comment how messy my place was and asked if my boyfriend was home.  I told him I didn’t have a boyfriend and he said, “Yeah, I’ve seen your trailer rocking.”  I was embarrassed and angry.  My sex life was NONE of his business.  I said, “It’s 4am, what do you want?”  He said, “We could have a lot of fun together.”  I was shocked.  I said, “Your wife and kids are RIGHT NEXT DOOR.  Go away.  I have a project due tomorrow.”  He eventually left.  Ass Hat couldn’t hear the conversation but I told him all about it.  “That’s fucked up,” he said.  “Ya think?!”  For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what kind of signal I had put out to warrant that kind of behavior.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the trailer rocking every time I had sex after that.  Ass Hat didn’t care.  He aggressively insisted I scream louder. I tried to convince myself no one heard, but I’m sure they did.

The next week, before the garbage truck came, I grabbed the same gown and headed towards the door.  This time, Ass Hat was awake and saw me.

Ass Hat: You REALLY going outside like that?

Me:  Don’t make fun of me.  I don’t care how ugly it is, I’m just taking out the trash.  It’s not a glamorous occasion.

Ass Hat: But, did you know it’s see-through

Me: ……. wh-wh-wh-what?  *runs to a mirror* Are you SERIOUS!?!?

Ass Hat: Umm… Yeah…

Me:  OH! My! GOD!  I wore the same thing last week!!!

Ass Hat: *uncontrolable laughter*

Me: (realization) Oh…… My….. God…. No WONDER the creepy fucking neighbor was banging on my door!!!

A Move

I went and stayed at Ass Hat’s place for a few days while his parents were out of town.  When I got back home, there was an envelope taped to my door.  It was from the manager of the trailer park I was in.  They said there was music blaring and it was causing a disturbance, so they flipped the breaker.  They had also complained about me coming home at all hours of the night.  I checked my fridge and had to throw out everything.  I was furious.  I called my mom and she made arrangements to have me relocated, immediately.  My stepdad and granddad showed up to hook up the trailer and started to move me out.  As we were pulling out, the manager said, “You’re suppose to give 30 day notice, but good riddance.”  I lost it!  “You can’t turn off someone’s electricity.  That’s illegal!  The music you heard was an alarm and it turns off automatically after an hour.  All of my food was ruined.”  He mentioned something else about me coming in at 2am.  I said, “You’re not my daddy and it states nowhere in the contract that there’s a curfew.  I come in at 2am because I’m in REHEARSALS until then.”  He didn’t really believe me.  It didn’t matter.  I was gone.  I was glad to be rid of them and the creepy neighbor.

Stuart

I wasn’t admitting to anyone that I was involved with Ass Hat.  I never intended on dating him, just keeping around so I was never bored.  That being said, I was sitting out on the dock, smoking, and the only other person out there with me was another student actor, Stuart.  (I call him Stuart because of his impeccable impression of MAD TV’s Stuart. Have you seen it?)  As smokers tend to do, we got to chatting but then it took a turn.  It went a little something like this:

Stuart:  I like you.

Me:  Aww!  I like you, too!

Stuart:  No.  I mean, I LIKE you.

Me:  Huh?

Stuart:  I’m ATTRACTED to you.

Me: Hahahahhaaa!  Ok, sure.

Stuart:  I’m serious!

Me:  No, you’re not.

Stuart:  Yes, I like you.

Me:  Oh, Honey.  No, you don’t.

Stuart:  Oh my god!  Why do you keep saying I don’t when I’m telling you I do!?

Me:  Honey, you’re gay.

Stuart:  Wha… Well…  I’m not sure….

Me:  Honey, you’re GAY.

Stuart:  I think I’m bi…

Me:  No, Honey.  You are gay.

Stuart:  Whatever.  Look what I can do!  * clap *clap *spin *prance

A few weeks later, you came prancing out of the closet and never looked back.  Love him for it!

Vodka

I was standing outside the theatre building after an event one night, smoking with Stuart and his friend, Vodka.  She had just gotten out of the marines and was wanting to be a theatre major, too.  She and I immediately hit it off and I invited her to go to a cast party and stay the night with me.  I don’t think I really remember anything significant about the party but they were always fun.  We got back to my place and I invited Vodka to stay and be my roommate while we went to school together and she agreed!  When we got ready to crash, Ass Hat said he’d sleep between us and had an arm out for both of us to crawl into, which we giggled and did.  I remember waking up to him trying to pleasure me and me silently trying to fight me off.  I don’t remember if I was successful.  Vodka never moved in but never told me why until years later.  Ass Hat was trying to pleasure her, too.  She silently fought him off but was uncomfortable staying after that.  We were mortified and angry when we found out he was trying to molest both of us at the same time!  I was also really embarrassed that she was made uncomfortable like that by a guy I dated.

I was suppose to leave one night to go to rehearsal for Macbeth but Ass Hat was preventing me, again.  He relentlessly tried to persuade me to call in and got me into bed.  He wouldn’t let go of me no matter how much I protested.  He was inside me when I made the phone call.  He said he wasn’t going to stop and I absolutely had to call in.  I told the director that I had a family emergency and made up this huge, partially true story about my great grandmother being in the nursing home.  I said that the nursing home was understaffed and they needed me to babysit.  My grandmother has had to do this before.

A Lie as Good as the Truth?

The next day, when I got to the theatre building, the director pulled me aside and said that he was replacing me with another actress, Vodka.  I was SO upset and I reexplained the situation to him in more detail.  I told him that if my great grandmother was left alone in a room she would start screaming, “HELP! HELP! HELP! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!”  It wasn’t entirely a lie; she’d actually done this to me.  I went deep enough into the story, he believed me and took pity.  He said that Vodka and I could share the part.  I was still not happy.  Vodka and I were set up to hate each other, but we pulled through and she became one of my best friends.

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