Safety-Pin

Safety-Pin didn’t have the best home life growing up.  She spent a lot of time with me during our high school years, although she’s two years younger than me.  I had a car and she didn’t get her license until she was 18 so I would always go pick her up.  We would get dressed up and go to a family friendly (aka: alcohol free) pool hall.

We had our favorite outfits that we would wear when we went out to play pool.  I had a pair of black, pleather, skin-tight, Rocky Mountain pants and she had a pair of bright orange pants.  We were on our way to the pool hall one night and stopped to run into the store.  As we were walking in, these two guys that were probably a little older than us were walking out.  They about broke their necks turning around to check us out as were walked by.  There were a few sounds of approval and then Safety-Pin turns around and says, “Don’t look at me like your momma don’t feed you!”  I didn’t know whether to die of laughter or die of embarrassment!!!  I just about did both!

I looked at her, bug-eyed, and said, “Oh my gawd!”  She did her notorious eyebrow wrinkle and said, “Well!?!”  I said, “Well, WHAT?”  She said, “They shouldn’t be gawking at me like a fresh piece of meat!”  I rolled my eyes and said, “Oh, puh-leez!  If you didn’t want guys looking at you, you wouldn’t have worn orange bubblegum pants!”  She opened her mouth to protest, then shut it again because she knew I saw through THAT bullshit.  We continued laughing as we replayed the event and mocked their expressions.

Don’t Dare Me

Ass Hat and I drove out to get Safety-Pin and brought her back to my place.  We were all laughing and joking around but somehow the subject of kissing girls came up.  Ass Hat suggested we kiss and Safety-Pin and I jokingly said we would.  He said we wouldn’t.  That was a dare and we knew it.  She and I looked at each other with raised eyebrows and telepathically told each other we had to prove him wrong.  So, after we stopped giggling, we gave each other a quick innocent peck on the lips.  We went back to giggling.  Neither of us had ever kissed a girl before.  Although we were both really thin back then, she had a smaller frame than me and I guess that made me feel she was more feminine than me, even though she was a little more of the tom boy (I wouldn’t go out in public without makeup and she very rarely wore any, but she had flawless skin so she never needed to).  Ass Hat wanted pictures.  NOT happening.

Doe Eyes

One of the first friends I made in my college theatre years was Doe Eyes.  She was so innocent but so free.  Blonde hair, big blue eyes, full lips, tiny, perfectly proportioned body, and skimpy little outfits.  HUGE personality!  She loves potty humor and has never been afraid to make an ugly face or make a stupid noise.  She’s hilarious!  I LOVE and admire her for that!  I’m not that brave.  I was totally shocked to learn she grew up pentecostal and was a virgin, saving herself for marriage.

She came over to my place to spend the night.  I told her about Safety-Pin and I kissing and she said she always had a fantasy of a three-way kiss.  I was kinda intrigued.  Ass Hat was there and I “jokingly” asked him, “Hey! Wanna make out?”  He shrugged, “Sure! With who?”  Doe Eyes and I looked at each other.  “Both of us,” I said.  We looked at him and he quickly looked back and forth between us a few times, trying to read the seriousness of the situation.  He was in disbelief but he pounced on us, anyway.

The three of us were sitting in a circle on my bed, looking at each other and giggling.  She watched him kiss me and I watched him kiss her.  He kissed us each back and forth as we moved closer together until the three of us were kissing at the same time.  Her lips were soft.  And, of course, Ass Hat wanted pictures.  Still NOT happening.

We moved on to just hanging out and when it was time to crash, Ass Hat slept between us. He put his hand down my pants but I removed it after a few seconds.  He tried again a few times, but it was a repeat.  He eventually gave up and I drifted off to sleep.  She never stayed the night again.  Years later, she told me how he did the same thing to her but she told him she was a virgin and wasn’t ready to go that far; she just wasn’t that kind of girl. He had made her very uncomfortable.  I felt terrible.

In the middle of the night, Doe Eyes woke up and asked, “Hey.  I’m really thirsty; you have anything to drink?”  I very sleepily said, “Yeah.  Take whatever you want.”  I was a terrible host.  She stumbled into the kitchen and opened the fridge.  She held up a partially full water bottle and asked, “Who’s water is this?”  I squinted in her direction and said, “Everything is mine.”  She threw her head back to down it but after one huge gulp she gagged and gasped, “That’s. Not. Water.”  I sat up and looked at her from bed, confused.  I blinked at her a couple of times and she gagged and choked.  She looked at me and then I realized what had happened.  I asked, “Does the lid on that have a ‘V’ on it?”  She looked.  “Yeah….?”  “Oh!  That’s VODKA.”  I began howling with laughter.  “Oh! My! God!  I’m! SO! Sorry!” I had totally forgotten that I hid vodka in water bottle so my family wouldn’t know I had it because I was underage.  It wasn’t even the GOOD vodka, it was the cheapest stuff I could find.  Doe Eyes glared at me.  She didn’t believe me that it wasn’t on purpose.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  She also didn’t believe I was sorry.  That part may have been true.  It was hilarious.

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