First of all, I feel like I need to say, even though this is anonymous, it’s REALLY hard to be this transparent.  I mean, I’m putting EVERYTHING out there for the entire world to read in hopes that it can change even one life for the better. To do that, I know I have to be bold and hold nothing back.  I’ve been having an anxiety attack about it since this started.  I’m trudging through it and I know this is for the greater good, but I also know it makes me look terrible and shallow.  I’m not proud of it but I feel like if I were leaving it out, I’d be lying.  Who knows?  Maybe more of you will be able to relate to this post than I think.  Keep reading; it gets deeper and so do I.

When we left off last, I was telling you a bit about Sparkles and Ms. Twiggy.  He told me his relationship with her wasn’t going anywhere and he was really unhappy with where it was.  He knew he needed to end it but he basically just didn’t have the balls or the motivation to do it.  I became his motivation but my situation was a LOT more complicated than his lack of love.  Like, 8 times more complicated.  8.

The Ex Fiancé

Ok.  Let me explain the situation I was in when I met Sparkles.  I was in a period of my life where I was trying to figure everything out.  Again.  I had broken off an engagement and was carrying a lot of baggage from it.  We’re in a great place with each other now, but then I was afraid that my desire for intimacy of any kind had been deprived for so long, I’d forgotten how to do it.  The weird thing is, once I had left, we were able to be close, again.  He actually helped me get back out there.  I don’t think I ever thanked him for that.  I was nervous.  I wasn’t ready.  I’d been on a ton of nightmare dates in the past and I didn’t want to start over, dammit.  It took me a while before I was ready to get out there again but, once it happened, I held nothing back.  The dating game had changed from the last time I’d participated and I only knew of two ways to meet guys: get drunk or get Jesus.  I dropped some weight, freshened my wardrobe, did my hair, and since I’m a (closet) atheist, I hit the bar.

The First Guy

First, I found a guy to play pool with (which is my sport).  I don’t play like a girl and I don’t suck so, it’s sometimes difficult to find someone to play that challenges me… Or doesn’t get offended when I hand them their own ass, at the very least.  So, I spent a LOT of time in the bar, he and I played, laughed, talked a lot of shit (which is an art within itself), and I made a lot of friends (mostly guys that bought me drinks because they wanted to play me or wanted in my pants or both).  After about a month, I decided to let the guy kiss me.  Poor guy had been working pretty hard for it and I took pity.  I mean, the guy held my hair back while I built my alcohol tolerance, again.  He even let me be picky about which patch of grass I hurled in.  The guy was so loving, doting, and sweet.  I ate it up.

He was a VVIP at that particular bar so we were always there for the afterparties.  This one night in particular, he had a terrible toothache.  He was sitting in the VIP lounge while everyone was closing up and going home.  I decided to make him feel better.  I skipped over, straddled his lap and held his head deep in my chest.  The last bartender finished up, tossed him the keys and told us to lock up when we left.  She was gone.  We kissed.  A lot.  He’s a good kisser.  Miraculously, his tooth started feeling better.  He made a trail of long, slow kisses down my neck and chest.  I was still straddling his lap as he leaned me back and continued trailing kisses down my stomach.  My shoulders were resting on the tops of his boots and he was…. Oh. My. God.  He lifted my skirt, removed my panties and framed his face with my legs.  It was so friggin hot I was there in a matter of minutes.  He didn’t stop and I was inching and squirming farther and farther, not even caring that my bare ass may or may not be on a bar room floor.  He followed me down and I, gasping for air, asked, “Do you have a condom?”  He stopped mid movement, standing on his knees and looked down at me.  He threw his head back in desperation and defeat and yelled at the top of his lungs, “NOOOOOOOOOOO-ooo-o-oo-o-oooo!!!!!!!”  Well, that was that.  I went home.

The Sugar Daddy

First Guy continued spoiling me with attention and we did end up having sex.  I lot of sex.  Amazing sex.  I came to TRULY care about him and I STILL do but, something was missing and, let’s be honest, I was still pretty screwed up.  So, I went to another bar.  I found another guy to play pool with.  He bought me drinks.  He took me places and showered me with gifts.  I didn’t like him.  We went to his place and we were fooling around.  I told him I was okay fooling around but I didn’t want to  have sex.  So, we had sex.  No condom.  I was caught off guard (and I don’t just mean how small it was or how quick it was… and it was).  I was okay with him going down on me, even though I didn’t intend to return the favor but, I said no sex.  I was afraid to put up a fight so I let it happen.  My biggest fear was that I would fight him off and he’d hit me.  I liked him even less after that, but I kept seeing him and he kept buying me things… And kept me drunk.  I told him I was seeing other people and he was very jealous.  When he told me he stopped taking his meds (for paranoia) so we could have sex, I knew it was time to end it.  It wasn’t soon enough.  He’d tried getting controlling and started a lot of unnecessary drama.  We had a big fight and I told him off.  That was the end of that.

I’d been staying with my parents since I’d broken off the engagement and it was working…until it wasn’t.  I put all my stuff in storage and moved in with First Guy… and his dad… In a one bedroom apartment. His dad let us have the bed and First Guy wouldn’t let me lift a finger.  I let myself relax and enjoy it while I was waiting for things to fall into place.  It didn’t take too long.  I started doing a lot more work on the far side of town and ended up staying out there more and more.

The Friend with Benefits

A lot of times, I slept over with a long time friend with benefits.  He was usually at work, so I would just shower and crash.  He fed me and made me these AMAZING spiked coffee drinks.  I would clean and organize for him and his mom for enough money to pay what little bit I needed.  Sex with him was… interesting.  There was this one time he looped a leather belt around my neck.  I could still breathe but, there was something about it that was really hot!  It was new and exciting!  We didn’t have sex as often as I would have liked (I have a REALLY healthy sex drive; especially in these days) but when we did, he would always come REALLY hard.   It really bothered me that he thinks oral on a girl is gross, but loves BJ’s… Go figure.  Anyway, I wanted more than that but he had some issues and he still had his bat-shit crazy mom living with him.  She went off once and slapped the shit out of me, unprovoked, but soon realized that had been a mistake.  I was only helping his kid with a science project but, in her mind, my approach wasn’t to her liking.  I didn’t go over after that, at least not while she was there. I still really care about him and the kiddo but, it’s only a weird close friend kind of relationship now and I know, Bat-Shit in the picture or not, it’ll never me more than that.  I have found myself wondering “what if” but it wasn’t meant to be.  We were in a coffee shop once and a total stranger asked us if we were married… He said we SHOULD be.  We STILL laugh about it.  I will always be grateful for his help and for picking me up and putting the pieces back together after my failed relationships.  He’s held me while my heart was ripping apart and we’ve spent hours and hours consoling each other over the phone.  I hope he finds peace and happiness some day.

Stay tuned for the other half of the circle.

 

 

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